Somewhere Over The Rainbow
As we approach the first anniversary of Billy's death, I am starting to look to the future. The ‘what next?’ for us. In the early days the only thought that kept me going was that we would have the chance to try again and would hopefully one day become parents to a baby that we do get to bring home.
I know that this is so common amongst the baby loss community, the desire to try again so strong, taking over almost every thought. At first I felt guilty about this, but having spoken to so many people who have the same feelings, I know that I am not alone. That desire to try again and hopefully get your happy ending is echoed so loudly by others and there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. This isn't trying to replace the baby we have lost, not at all, no one could ever replace our lost angels. But we are parents with broken hearts and empty arms, we have so much love to give, we went through pregnancy and from the moment we saw the positive pregnancy test, from that very moment we became parents. And then it all got taken away from us. We didn't get to bring Billy home and our hearts will be forever broken because of this.
The thought of being pregnant again is in all honesty terrifying, but you know what is even more scary? The thought that we won't get to be parents to a living child. I have been very candid and open on my blog and Instagram about our journey, but there is a lot that I haven't talked about because it is still something that I am processing myself.
But the reality here is that there might not ever be a rainbow baby for us. Billy might be the only child we have, or worse still, we might face the same set of cruel circumstances we have already found ourselves in once before. It is in all honesty, a head fuck. I can't word it any more eloquently than that!
What I will say is that we have more information than we originally did have, we know that my body doesn't react in the normal way that it should to pregnancy. What I do have to hold onto is hope and the positives; Billy made it to full term and I am told that is a positive thing. Well in the fucked up way that your child dying but hey, they got to 38 weeks before they died, could ever be seen as any sort of positive.
Of course I often find myself going down the rabbit hole, pondering that we might never get to bring a child home and I have to look at a plan B for our happy ending.
I am not alone here, of course I'm not. For many couples, they had exhausted countless cycles of IVF before finally conceiving and then they lost their baby. Or the couples who find out they have a genetic condition that means they would never be able to have a healthy baby following the loss of their little one. Or what about those people who suffer from secondary infertility and just cannot conceive a second time around? Not all of us are destined for a happy ending, as tragic as that is, it is the truth.
I am constantly being told my doctors and bereavement midwives that there is every chance we will get our happy ending and to stay positive. And I really do try, I look on the positives; we know what we are dealing with, we know that Billy did make it to full term, we know that we need to closely monitor my placenta and blood flow and we know that we can deliver early. But what we don't know is that A) I would even conceive another baby and B) that the next time around things could go wrong far earlier.
But we do know that C) I am a fighter and I will not give up until I feel that I have to.
I do have to be realistic though and I do need a healthy injection of self preservation and I am trying to come up with a plan B in case we are not destined for this path. Not in this life anyway.
Ironically, Billy's nursery was rainbow themed. A bright yellow cot with so much rainbow paraphernalia; lights, stickers, blankets, teddies - the lot! I loved how happy rainbows made me feel and now more than ever I am dreaming of a rainbow and hoping that one day we will be smiling somewhere over the rainbow.
Love Hannah xxx