Mother’s Day For Angel Mamas
For any mothers’ who have lost a child whatever the circumstances, today is going to be tough. Mother’s Day whilst missing a child is another one of those cruel oxymorons that we have to face whilst navigating the bumpy road of baby loss. Today we are united in our grief, today is a day that will trigger us all, no matter what part of our baby loss journey we are at.
Today is a day where we will be reflective on our lives, how did we end up here? How did we have to face Mother’s Day without our children? It is impossible for this day not to hurt us, I am sure there will be tears from us all. The grief will rise to the surface, the waves will crash against us knocking us off our feet and we will certainly miss our babies more than ever. We will feel a number of emotions, hurt, anger, sadness; the list is endless.
I think the strongest emotion we will feel today though is love. Love for our lost babies and a heart bursting with love for them as their mothers. I have written about how strongly I feel that loss mamas are very much still mothers several times, because even if society refuses to acknowledge it, we are very much still mothers, even if our babies died. For that reason today is still our day.
Today is a day where we certainly should not be excluded from ‘the club’ (insert eye roll here! I have always hated how people say ‘oooh welcome to the club!’). Like piss off Brenda, literally millions of people do this every year, it isn’t really a club is it. Do you think I can get a refund now, my membership to ‘the club’ didn’t mention that the baby might die in the terms and conditions?
I am writing this post ahead of my first Mother’s Day without my son, a Mother’s Day that should have been my first and most poignant one with my beautiful boy Billy. Instead I am dreading this day, knowing that it comes with a Trigger Warning. Much as I felt at Christmas, I just want the day to come and go and all be over with. I am feeling much stronger than I did at Christmas time though where I was so raw into my grief and it had only been a matter of weeks since Billy had died.
But Mother’s Day is certainly going to sting, like an angry swarm of wasps desperate for their last sting of the season before winter sets in and they pointlessly sting you for no apparent reason.
I am writing this blogpost a week before Mother’s Day as I am off to sunny Spain with two of my best friends (a very kind treat from one of them who treated me to a flight to Ibiza to stay with our bestie who has recently moved there, prepare to be spammed with sunset pics any day now!) next week so I do not yet know how the run up to the dreaded day will be. If it is anything like the run up to Christmas though, then pass me the gin right now (don’t though because I really hate gin).
I am hoping that because I am away next week I will be so busy catching up with my wonderful besties and consuming so much sangria and tapas that my mind is kept busy and I barely have time to think about the looming day. Some sunshine and sangria is just the tonic I need this week and I can’t wait for some girly time with two of my favourite people in the world and I am sure it’ll counteract the run up to Mother’s Day. If not, well I am gonna be a major buzz kill for my friends aren’t I! I’ll admit that I was hesitant at first because leaving Mr P feels difficult and I know how quickly the waves of grief can appear from no where but I’ll be in very safe hands, that much I know. And Ibiza has to be prettier than Manchester.
I do not yet have any firm plans for Mother’s Day, I am going to take today as it comes. I want to visit the baby memorial garden and put something new on Billy’s patch but after that who knows. I might just want to retreat to the sofa in my comfiest PJs and eat my body weight in pickled onion monster munch and chocolate under a snuggly blanket. Or maybe I will want to get away and go for a long drive and walk somewhere scenic? I don’t know yet, I will just see how my mood is on the day. I know that I am retreating safely to the security of the bubble though, just me and Daz, sorry, Mr Protein, and our dogs. The bubble is safe and secure and sometimes we just need to be there.
I know how hard today is going to be for so many of us and I just want you to know that you’re not alone. The baby loss mamas that I speak to are so strong, we pull each other up, help each other through the lows, laugh at the really dumb things people say to us together, share our stories and support each other. Today is no different, other than we’re probably all feeling a little sad together. But we’ve got this, like every other low we have risen through it and come through the other side.
We’re still their mommies (you probably say mummies though unless you are American or a Brummie like me!). Our love for our angels will be stronger than ever, they will be in our thoughts and hearts more than ever today. We will miss them so much and it’ll be as raw as it’s ever been, particularly if this is your first Mother’s Day without your baby. I hope you have a gentle day, I hope you let yourselves feel how you need to feel. I hope you reach out if you need someone to talk to, or switch off your phones if you just don’t want to speak to anyone – that is okay too. I hope you are eating more cake than the daily sugar intake recommends, I hope you treat yourself to a really expensive cocktail somewhere, I hope you have lots of love and support and I hope that you are okay or as okay as a mother facing a day that celebrates motherhood can ever be when she had to give her baby back.
I am sending you so much love today mamas. Happy Mother’s Day to you all.
Lots of love