It’s Not Fair!
Honestly I should probably just have this tattooed on my forehead I say it that much! I sound like a broken record sometimes, flipping between the number one in the dance charts, “it’s not fair” and the top ten in the pop chart “I just want my baby back”.
Even when I am saying these things I know that I should probably just shut it, because wailing like a petulant spoilt brat “it’s not fair” isn’t going to bring Billy back or change things, and it’s probably ultra-annoying for my husband to hear 90 times a week! But whatevs, he can be pretty annoying too y’know, like did you know that the lid of a washing basket can actually be lifted up and you can magically put your dirty clothes inside the washing basket and not just on top? Oh you do know, well why don’t you ever do it then?!
Marital annoyances aside, my husband AKA Mr Protein gets it and also agrees that none of this is fair and yep, we do just want our baby back. I am sure anyone who has been dealt the same deck of cards that we have gets this feeling too. You probably also share the same frustrations that we do.
When I think back to the pregnant women I saw smoking as I was leaving the hospital empty handed with my baby lying in a cold-cot waiting to be taken somewhere for a Post Mortem to be carried out rather than coming home to his lovely colourful rainbow themed nursery, into a family who would have spoilt him absolutely rotten I could still to this day scream. The anger bubbled inside of me right there like a pan of pasta left for too long on the stove. If I hadn’t have barely been able to put one foot in front of the other because I was hobbling to the car basically being carried by my hubs due to having had a C section, I would have gone absolutely HAM at that stupid woman (has anyone ever really gone HAM about anything, what does going HAM even look like?).
The irony being that the silly woman (mildly put and heavily edited upon second draft) smoking whilst 9 months pregnant is probably at home enjoying her maternity leave with her baby right now whilst I am spending my maternity leave empty armed with only memories of my perfect little boy, filling my time blogging about baby loss. What the actual fuck world.
I think your attitude to a lot of things changes when your baby has died. Don’t get me wrong a smoking pregnant woman would have always royally pissed me off before, but now it perplexes me how the people that do everything right get dealt the worst possible cards and people who don’t even try to put their baby first sail through their pregnancies without any issues.
Of course I am not wishing this upon anyone obviously, you wouldn’t wish this world on your worst enemy and no mother should ever experience the pain of this kind of loss. But it definitely stings a lot more when you witness pregnant women doing things like smoking once you have gone through this. I also rarely scroll through Facebook anymore because seeing people moaning about mom life just annoys the living shit out of me. When you would literally do absolutely anything to have been kept awake all night by your baby crying or dealing with their explosive diarrhoea nappies (really even that part), you don’t want to see other people moaning about it. Sorry not sorry!
I know that I have changed a lot as a person now. People often ask me to do things several weeks in advance and I am always reluctant to agree to things now. The truth is I simply don’t know how I am going to be from day-to-day at the moment, let alone weeks down the line. I might say yeah sounds good and the day will be here and I will have been awake the whole night before, thrust into a black hole of negative thoughts, crying through the night. Trust me, you don’t wanna go out for dinner or meet for a coffee with the version of me that appears the following day. Even my husband struggles to deal with her; she is simply no fun whatsoever.
I try not to feel too guilty about letting people down or cancelling plans, I have learned to put myself first now. I know this probably sounds a little shitty (well maybe not to baby loss mamas perhaps you’ll get it more) but I am not as worried about other people’s feelings anymore when my own feelings are so temperamental at the moment. I never used to be like that; I hated letting people down and was always very conscious of how my behaviour could impact other people. I would always reply to messages almost immediately as I know how annoying it is to be left hanging but now I find myself being a bit more crap when it comes to keeping up with my life admin and being on top of messages, emails etc. Guess what though, I don’t feel too bad about it. Eeeeeek. Who is this the devil may care woman and what did she do with Hannah?!
My paramount concern has to be about me and Mr Protein for the time being; I can only be worried about us two for now. I need to get us back on track and handling life again, because right now every day presents new struggles for both of us. I feel like a huge part of my personality has changed, I never used to be this way. Is this more things that aren’t fair, or actually is it liberating AF to put yourself first and not worry if you say no to social engagements now and again or you don’t reply to messages straight away? The jury is out on that one for now.
More it’s not fair musings; how the innocence and excitement of pregnancy has been lost forever now. What should be an exciting and happy time will inevitably become an anxiety filled journey where you spend every waking moment terrified, worried and fearing the worst. I am not pregnant yet but I do hope to be blessed one day as I know deep down that the only thing that will help me heal slightly is a baby to fill my empty arms and aching heart. But I can also imagine that pregnancy and parenting after loss is probably not much fun. The fear, the worry, and the guilt I expect – well I’ll say it again, it’s not fair!!
Life has changed forever now, there will always be someone missing from our family. Beautiful Billy, what you would have become? A cheeky but loveable little guy I think, with the sharp wit of your mama and the kind heart of your daddy. Probably the kid that everyone wanted to be friends with because you had the best toys and a mom that can’t say no so let you eat all of the sweets and has an actual crisp cupboard (true story we do, our Godson loves it in there).
I always find myself wondering what Billy would be like; what would he be doing now, who would he be like? It isn’t just the little baby we’ve lost; it is the future we had planned too. The brilliant little boy who would never have been able to do wrong in my eyes no matter what mischief he had got up to. The kind and cool teenager I know he would have grown into and the incredible young man who would have always rung his mom and come round for a Sunday roast because she’s boss at it!
I expect many of you day dream about the what if’s and the what could have been too. I am so sorry that our babies aren’t here, I am so sorry that you too are experiencing this pain….. Altogether now…. “It’s not fair!”
Love Hannah x