Six Months Without You
This is probably the hardest blog post I have written since recounting the day I became a mother. Six whole months have gone by without you my darling boy and I can honestly say with absolute certainty that the last six months have been the most painful and difficult months of my whole life. I can also confirm that, no, it truly does not get any easier and that you do just learn to live with the loss, with this huge gaping hole that fills your life. The deep cracks that have shattered my heart refuse to close, they will be there forever and I must learn to live with them as part of me. As much as Billy is always going to be a part of me so are these huge cracks that consume my heart.
I honestly thought it would get easier with time, time is a healer they say but they are wrong. I thought I would start to feel better and accept that my son died and that he couldn’t stay but I can never accept that my perfect little boy never got a chance to live his life, a life that we would have made so perfect for him. A part of me died that day too, a piece of my heart broke that can never be repaired.
The last six months have gone by so quickly, like a puff of smoke, the blink of an eye; yet in other ways they have gone so slowly with each day presenting new challenges for us both. The pain is not as raw now but it still exists, the tears do not fall as dramatically and hysterically but they still come regularly. The feeling of disbelief and refusal to accept this tragic deck of cards we were dealt has faded but the longing for Billy to be here is stronger than ever. I just want you back baby and that is something that will never go away. For the rest of my life I will wish so hard that things could have been different.
I write this post with tears falling down my cheeks, this is the most raw and honest I have ever been about my feelings. Any parent grieving for their child will understand, anyone reading this without experiencing this kind of loss will no doubt thank themselves lucky that they can never understand. How can half a year have gone by without you? How can that day still feel like it was yesterday? How do I ever truly accept that my beautiful baby boy was taken away from me at the very last moment? I will never stop wishing you were here. I will never stop yearning for you. I will never stop wondering what could have been and I will never stop loving you.
I will never stop feeling angry about this; I will never understand how a perfectly healthy little boy can die days before his due date. But I will never give up hope of a happy ending, hope that our family will grow. But our family will never be fully complete now without our perfect Billy; the most beautiful little face, the most gorgeous little boy. He will always be missed, always be longed for and always be remembered.
I could write endlessly about my feelings right now, I could go on about how unfair all of this is. The words, like the tears could flow and flow. But I think there is only one person that deserves the next few words, Billy, my perfect little boy.
Not an hour goes by where you are not in my thoughts; your beautiful little face is always on my mind. I wish so much that things were different and you were here. You are so loved beautiful boy, by so many of us. We all miss you terribly, we think that you being taken away from us is so so unfair and we will miss you forever.
When I was pregnant with you I was worried about being a mommy to you and that it might not come naturally to me. I know now that I needn’t have worried about any of that. Loving you and being your mommy is the most natural thing in the world to me, you have completed me and taught me what true, unconditional love really is.
I am so sorry that you aren’t here; it really just isn’t fair at all. I hope that wherever you are you can see how much I love you and how you have changed my life so positively. I will miss you for the rest of my life sweetheart, but I promise that your death won’t be in vain. I write these blog posts to create a legacy for you and help raise awareness into baby loss. We have raised money in your name to give to charities that try to help reduce the number of babies being stillborn like you were so that other families do not have to go through the pain that we are. So far you have raised over £4,000. Well done beautiful boy, that is truly amazing and we’re so proud of you.
Your Daddy and I love you so much. We talk about you every day and we will never stop missing you and wishing that you were here. We are stronger than we have ever been because of you; you have taught us what is really important in life. We no longer sweat the small stuff and we are better people, all because of you.
I am so sad that I won’t get to watch you grow up into the lovely young man I know you would have become. I wonder if you would have enjoyed going running with Daddy. I wonder whether you would have loved The Rolling Stones like Mommy. I wonder if you would have liked your nickname of Billy Stardust or being embarrassed and told us to stop! We would have only done it more if you had! We know you would have been funny; not to toot our own horns here but you have really funny parents! Our sense of humour is what has helped us heal slightly since you were taken away.
My heart whilst completely broken is bursting with love for you like I have never known before. My mind always wonders what could have been. I miss you so much little one. I always wonder what you would be doing now. I think about what could have been, who you would have become. I try not to let the anger consume me that you were taken away, instead I focus on the love we have for you instead. You should be so proud of what you have achieved, our little scrudling. Because of you we know what real love is, we know what is important in life. I promise to not let your death ruin the time we have left. Your death has defined who are now but in a positive way. We will never stop raising awareness into stillbirth and we will create a legacy for our little Billy Stardust.
We had so many plans for you and I am so sorry that you will miss out. But you will always be a part of our family and none of us will ever forget you. You are so loved little one by so many people and we will keep your memory alive, we will take you with us as we try to move forwards, just in a different way than we had hoped.
I know you know how much we love you. I know you know how much we wish you were here. I hope you know how important your short life was, I hope you know how much you have taught us. I hope you are happy wherever you are. I can’t wait to hold you and kiss you one day. Until then my sweet angel, mommy loves you so very much and I always will. The rest of my life will be spent missing you, my beautiful little boy.
Love you forever
PS I am sorry that we called you Ziggy throughout my whole pregnancy. I don’t know WTF we were thinking. But just to continue the parental torture slightly, we have nicknamed you Billy Stardust. And we know you will rock it just like the cool little dude you are.