Ho Ho Bloody Ho
Ah Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year, how you’ve crept up out of nowhere this year and I just wish you would kindly fuck off!
Now I know that makes me sound like the most miserable scrooge on the planet, but the truth is, when your baby has died it really isn’t going to be the most wonderful time of the year ever again. Instead it will always be a time where the longing for your baby is heightened, the emptiness feels heavier than ever before and the wondering what could have been seems to take over your every thought.
Christmas will always be tinged with sadness for the rest of my life now as there will always be someone missing. I know this and it is only my first Christmas without Billy. I am hoping that this is my worst Christmas and somehow next year I will find the energy to get involved.
I know I won’t ever get to see his little face light up when he sees how many presents Santa has left him and I won’t have to hide his selection boxes so that he doesn’t make himself sick and become super annoying because he’s hyperactive from all of the sugar he has consumed. I won’t get to meet his first girlfriend (or boyfriend perhaps) and be disappointed the first time he tells me he isn’t spending Christmas at home with us as he is going to the in-laws instead. Damn them. My cooking would be way better than the mother in laws, I am certain of that!
For anyone who has recently lost their baby whatever the circumstances, stillbirth, neonatal death, SIDS or any other of the other cruel ways our little ones were taken, I think I speak for us all when I say that we are surviving not celebrating Christmas this year, and quite possibly for many more to come.
I don’t have a Christmas tree or any decorations up this year, haven’t really bought any presents (just the token few where I felt I have to) and have explained to my extremely understanding friends that it would just be too hard to buy and wrap presents for their kids and babies when my own baby isn’t here and I don’t get to do that for him. You have to do what you have to do in these situations and for me, ignoring the festivities as much as possible this year is the best coping mechanism. I’ve not even watched Elf or Home Alone this year which seems like I could be fined or possibly even arrested, but definitely put on the naughty list.
Now I’m not saying I won’t be having my mom’s full on Christmas dinner with extra pigs in blankets, that woman rivals Jamie Oliver in the kitchen and I’m not gonna cut my nose off to spite my face! And a cheese board can’t hurt either can it. And obvs I’m gonna eat my body weight in Ferraro Roche. But mostly myself, hubby and close family will be hoping it all passes quickly and we can all go back to normal. Whatever that is now.
If you’re struggling this year with Christmas, just remember that it really is just a couple of days and it will all be over. Take a few deep breaths and do what you need to do to get through it, if that is drinking all of the wine go for it! If it means avoiding annoying Aunty Jean who never says the right thing, do it. And if that means doing the antithesis of all things Christmas like having a Chinese takeaway and hiding from the world, do it.
I have actually found it quite refreshing to not get caught up in the scrum of it all, spending loads of money and behaving like some festive maniac. I saw that it was 10 days away the other day and couldn’t believe it. I guess to some extent I am stuck in the summer and forget that time has moved on since my baby died. I really do hope that next year my mind-set is different and I enjoy it more but this year, Christmas you can eff right off!
Sending love and virtual hugs to anyone affected by baby loss over the festive season.
Love Hannah x