A Little Bit About Me
I’m Hannah, and until recently I was just your run of the mill 36 year old; married, owner of two Chihuahua’s who are my children, lover of fashion (ok utterly obsessed and bona fide shopaholic whose husband gets seriously annoyed with the amount of ASOS packages that arrive each week), beauty and skincare addict, interior design lover, eats way too many crisps, living my best life in a lovely new home in the suburbs of Manchester. I am also a mother, but my journey of motherhood is a little different to most.
I gave birth to my beautiful boy, Billy, on 29 August 2018 but I never got to bring him home. Following a healthy pregnancy, Billy was stillborn at full term after I had gone into labour that morning. The shock and devastation is something I could never have prepared myself for. Our hearts are shattered into a million pieces, yet bursting with love for our son in a way that we could never have imagined.
I honestly to this day still find myself having moments of ‘was any of this real?’, ‘did that actually just happen, is my baby, my son, really dead?’ ‘Was I ever even pregnant?’ The answer to these questions is a soul crushing yes. Your beautiful baby did die I’m afraid lady and you now need to learn to navigate and process this new life you have found yourself in.
And so my blog is born. I have always wanted to write, for as long as I can remember I have said one day I will write a book or a blog or anything really! But I am lazy and sometimes full of self-doubt, who the fuck would actually be interested in anything I have to say?! Perhaps other members of the club that no one wants to join; people affected by baby loss. Or maybe fellow fashion and style lovers? Or ladies on the hunt for the latest beauty and skincare finds? People who love to make a house a home, or all of the above!
I also love to travel and have been fortunate enough to visit some incredible countries and cities with my hubby, so you can expect a sprinkling of travel in here too. And food! I am a sucker for an overpriced poncy tasting menu that costs almost an entire month’s mortgage payment as much as I am a dirty five napkin burger.
I struggled to find relatable content when I first lost my son outside of the charity websites and was met with scores of heartbreaking accounts of baby loss but not much on how life goes on following loss and in the midst of this gut wrenching phenomenon they call grief. I want to document how I learn to piece my life back together and navigate this new narrative of motherhood after such inexplicable loss in the hope that it will help others who find themselves in this position and help to break the silence around baby loss. It is not a swear word or an unspoken subject, trust me you cannot begin to imagine how much it breaks a bereaved mothers heart when people refuse to acknowledge their lost children or what they have been through.
My love for writing began when I was really young. My first experience of this was when I was about eight years old and had to write a poem, for some reason about apples. I don’t even particularly like apples (unless it is apple crumble smothered in custard). Anyway, I wrote a lovely little poem about an apple tree and did a drawing of the said apple tree with my poem written over the top of it. Sounds lovely eh? Well it was and it was pretty good, so good in fact that the teachers accused me of plagiarising it from a poetry book. Erm not guilty! I don’t remember how they discovered I had written this poem myself or how I had such a good command of alliteration at the age of eight but I was proud of my work (and also pretty pissed off at being called a poem thief by the teachers). So after all these years I’ve finally gotten over apple-gate and am putting pen to paper again; don’t worry though this blog will not contain any content about apples and probably not any poetry either.
So there you have it, a quick intro to the sorts of things you can expect from me. I hope that my blog will offer support to others affected by baby loss and will show the world that those of us rocked by the tragedy of losing a baby are still normal people. You don’t need to be afraid of us, we don’t bite and you can talk to us about our children in the same way you would if they were here with us. We want you to- talking about them makes us happy, they aren’t some taboo subject that you must not mention in case we throw ourselves into a heap on the floor. Spoiler alert, although we definitely have very sad days, most of us do not just sit around in our dressing gowns, with unwashed hair sobbing all day long. Just occasionally. We are still normal, still the people we were before. Our lives have just changed a little, but we’re still in there.
Thank you for reading!
Love Hannah x